Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
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My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
‘I dunno, maybe just use that image of the girl who’s about to murder her dad’
How many vultures circling you is good luck?
You’re in his DMs
I am wanted in 37 states for tax evasion
This morning I fixed the Keurig by violently shaking it upside down and suddenly all the other kitchen appliances started working correctly.
I like to pretend that the dog follows me everywhere because she’s my biographer and not because she just wants food
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
TECH HIRING MANAGER: Have you done IT work before?
PENNYWISE: Done IT? Pal, I’ve lived IT
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.
Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”
[date]
Me: *ok don’t let her know I’m a bull*
Her: “so what are some red flags for you?”
Me: *sweating* “haha red flags? Where?”
me: omg you’re dying
my phone: wtf the charger is just across the room
me: [crying] I wish I could help
Nobody:
4-year-old: Can I call people peasants at school?
5-year-old: Why is there a baseball bat under your bed?
Me: In case there’s a burglar.
5:
Me:
5: Why do burglars like to play baseball?
police: EMPTY YOUR POCKETS, SLOWLY!
me, wearing cargo shorts: *pulls out 2 burger wrappers* THIS MIGHT TAKE A WHILE *pulls out a doll shoe & floss*
Kid just asked “why is it called ‘flipping the bird’? Why not turtle? Flipping the Turtle.” I can’t even answer that bc WHY NOT TURTLE?!
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
I love going places just to spend the entire time taking my kids to the bathroom
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment