I will never forget when my mom tried to use her cancer to get my sisters boyfriend of 7 years to propose by saying “don’t make me go to my oldest daughters wedding bald Steve” and he looked this woman dead in the eyes and responded “they make really good wigs now, Joan” ruthless
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fyi, drug mule does not mean youll be getting stoned and riding around on a donkey… worst first day ever
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Yeah I can fight, I’m professionally trained in the style of panic attack.
Him: *gets the handcuffs out*
Me: mmm, have I been naughty? *slow wink*
Cop: we’ll let the judge decide, eh?
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
“Can you cook dinner tonight?”
Can’t. New meds say I can’t operate any heavy machinery and that stove doesn’t look light
Sorry you heard me going through your medicine cabinet. I was trying to be quiet.
Cashier: Hello
Me: Is it me your looking for… I can see it in your eyes..
Cashier:…
Me: Sorry, this is my first rap battle.
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
If anything happens to me and I die, please don’t tell my husband how many times I’ve used garlic powder instead of real garlic.
>when you hit the end game in a JRPG but your party is underleveled
“What’s your name?”
“Who’s your daddy?”
“Is he rich like me?”These “reset your password” questions are getting kind of weird.
take that, baby!!! he knows what he did.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
Jeff is here!
“Jeff from work or Jeff the guy who announces his arrival anytime he enters a room”
Jeff is here!
the other one is “smunchy” which is we stopped making the smooth peanut butter early. i’m close to becoming a smooth peanut butter guy just so i can eat a finished product
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.