My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
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OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Dwayne Johnson, paper, scissors
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
My doctor asked me how much I weigh like anyone keeps track of that. Idk, Mark. Like 7 tires? 16 squirrels? Is that what you want to hear Mark? 87 ducks!?
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Wife: You won’t believe this…
Me: *steadies eyes*
Wife: So you know Frank my co-worker from accounting…
Me: *narrows eyes*
Wife: …well he asked about my marriage…
Me: *squints*
Wife: He was flirting…
Me: *eyes close completely*
Wife: Now don’t get mad
Me: *snoring*
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
Dude that’s not a tire swing its a warning to other tires that trespass in my yard
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
Me: I’ve invested heavily in hedgehog funds.
You: I think you mean hedge funds.
*opens door to roomful of hedgehogs*
Me: Nope.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
I’ve opened a can of worms. They just sit there, the worms. Hardly the chaos that’s been advertised.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.