I learned about self care from watching my cat.
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The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
*during sex
Her: This feels weird. Is it a waterbed?
Me: Nope. Way better.
*pulls back sheet to reveal hundreds of meatball subs
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
Take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is TRYING TO KILL ME and the girls are CONSPIRING AGAINST ME
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
Wife: So you write tweets about us?
Me: Sometimes
Wife: Do you embellish them to make them interesting?
Dwayne Johnson: I bet he does
Me: Stay out of this, The Rock
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Ha, my 6-year-old thought bridesmaids stood at the altar so the groom could choose which one to marry… actually, let’s not dismiss this idea
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
Today is the first New Moon after Jan 21sr. Happy New Year to Chinese people and all who choose to be Chinese for a day.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
Female villains are largely glamorous, confident, articulate, and have a lot of resources at their disposal. I’m searching for the downside.
All of my passwords are the names of various “Friends” characters. Except for Ross. I’ve never used Ross. Not after what he did to Rachel.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.