running away to greece is ok. sleeping with 3 men in one summer is ok. not knowing which one of them is the father of ur daughter is ok. encountering the 3 of them at her wedding is ok. only communicating through abba songs is ok. do whatever u need to do to cope.
You Might Also Like
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Me: isn’t it interesting that the Sirens of mythology lured people to their deaths but now sirens are used to save people’s lives?
Ambulance driver: how do you keep getting in here?
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
Taco is a crispy sandwich. I will not be taking calls to change my mind.
My daughter just started a question with: So mom, you’ve been old for a really long time…
I don’t know what the rest of the question was, I stopped listening after “long time”
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
My nana sleeps about four hours a night. That’s four whole hours I can use her wig to train my owl.
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
[being seated for blind date]
her: have you ever been on one of these before
me: yeah I love chairs
I just saw a woman outside sitting alone on a bench and staring at nothing and it made me so sad. I wonder what happened to her phone?
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me: