Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
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Doug is just Canadian for dog
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Whoever’s job it is to make sure
I eat before I drink is fired.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.
The good folks over at @funTweeters have compiled 6 pages of my tweets. Are they good? No. Are they funny? Also no.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
Me: ‘Alcohol only kills the weakest brain cells.’
Also Me: *parks car in neighbor’s driveway*
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Wife: I want a divorce
Husband: But you made a vow in the church that we remain together till death do us part.
Wife: then drink the tea I made for you
This is a true ally.
The feeling of peace when amongst the trees quickly disappears when you notice a coyote nonchalantly walking towards you.
[guy named mark who successfully used his cloning machine] this is remarkable
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
me: I quit my job as a waiter
wife: what? how will you keep putting food on our table?
me: *scoff* I remember my training, linda
I bet there are muppets that have thought about shanking Elmo.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
[having daughter’s new boyfriend (who I think is a caveman) over for dinner]
so dave, how is work? *lights candle and watches his reaction*
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
“Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free. Unless they’re darker than, say, beige.”- Statue of Liberty.
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…