@haleysfalling

[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings

@haleysfalling

so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”

@haleysfalling

patrick henry: GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME DEATH
bad people: ok, death
patrick henry: [turns around and whispers] guys this was not smart

@haleysfalling

cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov

@haleysfalling

Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things

@haleysfalling

I’ve decided that I’m going to start texting people back.

That’s it. That’s the joke.

@haleysfalling

bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore

@haleysfalling

accidentally added a “z” to the end of the word “think” in a text and suddenly my jeans are sagging below my ass and i have 3 chains on

@haleysfalling

every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car