[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
patrick henry: GIVE ME LIBERTY OR GIVE ME DEATH
bad people: ok, death
patrick henry: [turns around and whispers] guys this was not smart
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
I’ve decided that I’m going to start texting people back.
That’s it. That’s the joke.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
accidentally added a “z” to the end of the word “think” in a text and suddenly my jeans are sagging below my ass and i have 3 chains on
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car