Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
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“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
incredible text to wake up to
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
My knee just cracked so loudly that I half expect it to glow in the dark tonight.
police: what are your names?
caspar: don’t tell em, linhardt!
police: so, linhardt…
linhardt: nice one, caspar
police: and caspar…
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
[standing at the bank teller’s window] one wealth please
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
You had my full attention until you said “without further adieu.”
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
My son started school today. I’m excited to meet all the new illnesses he’ll be bringing home this fall.
Her: “What an ugly baby”
Him: “My baby is NOT ugly!”
Her: “So, who’s baby is this?”
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could hunt people for sport.
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
I wasted so many years trying to fit in, covering my accent, starving myself, straightening my hair, and trying to make others like me. The moment i realized that wasn’t freedom and said NO MORE, my entire life changed!! We are always enough as we are❤️