Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
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Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
I’ve got three children’s parties in the next 24 hours.
If I don’t make it: tell my kids it’s their fault.
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
i finally quit drinking for good
now i drink for evil
I wish companies would use pictures of models looking frazzled and exhausted on their websites so I can get a real idea of what their clothes will look like on me
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
My boss asked me if I had a minute like he doesn’t know how busy I am here.
Imagine being a Cicada you been waiting 17 years for your one chance to have sex then some weirdo freakazoid fries you in butter and serves you with a side of ranch.
The best natural phenomenon is when a species lovingly accepts an orphan of another species, like how my fries have accepted this onion ring
I’m not looking for a TC, I’m looking for someone with a woodchipper who doesn’t ask questions.
To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
How to get your kids to stop coming with you to Target:
Son: Mom, can you buy this for me?
Me: I’m not your Mom.
Son: Mom, stop.
Me: Let’s go find your Mom.
Son: MOM, STOP!
Me: SECURITY!
One of my most strongly held beliefs is that if you push down hard enough on anyone’s shoulders extra hair will start piping out of their head like a play-doh barbershop set
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.
Oops I deleted….
Urban Dictionary: Helping white folks figure out if they’re getting insulted or complimented daily.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
My therapist keeps telling me to stop comparing myself to other people—that life’s not a competition.
Which, to be fair, is exactly what I’d say to someone I was trying to beat, too.