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Page of hammbone84's best tweets

@hammbone84 : Turns out that my wife isn't very fond of me referring to her period tracker app as the Countdown to Armageddon.

@hammbone84: Neighbor: I always see your kids outside but hardly ever see you out there.

Me: Oh, that's because my doors lock from the inside.

@hammbone84: [Tornado siren blaring]

Wife: Let's go to the basement.

Me: There will be no line at Pizza Hut buffet.

Wife:

Me: I'll bring you a salad.

@hammbone84: If you guys don't start appreciating my tweets, I will introduce my mom to Twitter. Don't make me ruin this for everyone.

@hammbone84: [On phone with Pizza Hut]

Me: I texted my order 4 hrs ago!
PH: Are you sure you didn't tweet it...again?
Me:
PH: Sir?
Me: K. Love you. Bye.

@hammbone84: MY ROOMBA IS SOMEHOW LOOSE OUTDOORS AND I'M TERRIFIED OF THE CONSEQUENCES FOR THE ECOSYSTEM AS IT HAS NO NATURAL PREDATORS.

@hammbone84: Trivia Crack is much safer than regular crack, but it will still tear your family apart.