@hammbone84: Neighbor: I always see your kids outside but hardly ever see you out there.
Me: Oh, that's because my doors lock from the inside.
@hammbone84: [Tornado siren blaring]
Wife: Let's go to the basement.
Me: There will be no line at Pizza Hut buffet.
Me: I'll bring you a salad.
@hammbone84: If you guys don't start appreciating my tweets, I will introduce my mom to Twitter. Don't make me ruin this for everyone.
@hammbone84: [On phone with Pizza Hut]
Me: I texted my order 4 hrs ago!
PH: Are you sure you didn't tweet it...again?
Me: K. Love you. Bye.
@hammbone84: MY ROOMBA IS SOMEHOW LOOSE OUTDOORS AND I'M TERRIFIED OF THE CONSEQUENCES FOR THE ECOSYSTEM AS IT HAS NO NATURAL PREDATORS.
@hammbone84: Trivia Crack is much safer than regular crack, but it will still tear your family apart.