Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
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Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
You know what else is terrible these days? Quests. They used to be an epic journey to slay a dragon and save the local townspeople. Now it’s just trying to find organic chia seeds in Wholefoods.
Her: I never take my eyes off my son. I hate how parents are so inattentive these days.
Me: [lifting 6 out of lion cage] mm hmm me too
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
You realize a robot is telling you to pick out tree pictures to make sure you’re not a robot.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
I managed to worm my way into this dancing competition
Me: *Asks question on snapchat*
Them: *Answers question on snapchat*
Me: “Wait, what did I ask again?”
My dog learned how to text
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
WWE is French for “yes”
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
I have nothing nice to wear for the government shutdown
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. “If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?” Diabetes?