Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

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Page of handsock_butts's best tweets

@handsock_butts : date: so how are you?

me: I’m doing good! how are-

guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”

date: who the hell is that

me: I told you I had a corrections officer

@handsock_butts: Doctor: you look awful

Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!

Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?

@handsock_butts: Went inside my dresser hoping to find Narnia but all I saw was that stupid guy I killed

@handsock_butts: date: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad

@handsock_butts: me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!

cop: [unplugs the treadmill]

@handsock_butts: girlfriend: I’ll have the chef’s salad

me: [whispering] babe that’s so rude, just order your own

@handsock_butts: best friend: the recording guy for our wedding cancelled on us

me: I can do it

best friend: thanks man!

[after the wedding]

best friend: *visibly angry* all you did was play that stupid flute the whole time

me: actually it’s a recorder

@handsock_butts: ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son's tree house
ME: fine, but I'm keeping the squirrels

@handsock_butts: date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more

me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind

@handsock_butts: [I die and appear in a mysterious place]

me: woah, is this heaven or hell?

guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine

me: must be heaven!

guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique

me: aw hell