Not me going in with a stool sample to my GP surgery & I when I handed it in the receptionist asked if it was requested by the doctor as if I just decided to shit in a tube and hand it in to her????
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One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
Get your faces tattooed on each other, so if the wife ever says ‘you’re a joke’ you can say ‘the joke’s on you’ and disarm the situation.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
*grabs myself by the collar of my shirt and pushes myself against the wall* tell me where the remote is
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
When a pig loses his leg, wouldn’t it be a hamputation?
Results are in: a lot of people took the “never change” yearbook inscription way too seriously.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
Lois Lane was fired from the Daily Planet after she knocked Clark Kent’s glasses off and then panicked thinking a plane was in the building.
If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Of course, golfing is a dignified sport..
except for that time I got a cart stuck between two trees.
[after giving performance of a lifetime]
ME: I only wish… I only wish my dad could see me now
MUFFLED VOICE FROM BEHIND EXTREMELY TALL AUDIENCE MEMBER: I’m sure you did great son
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
incredible book dedication
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”
“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”
A confidential source has informed me that the earth is gonna hatch