I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
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Me: I don’t mean to overstep but I would be a great hire.
Employer: In that case the Ministry of Silly Walks is not for you.
Me *goose step, tippy toe, barrel roll out the door*: Best of luck!
Employer *high kick, sashay to trashcan with resume*: Damn shame.
“Your name?”
“Annie, R.U.O.K
“Annie, R.U.O.K?”
“R.U.O.K, Annie”
I have a magnetic* personality
*Clingy and obsessive.
Good news! I got the new restraining order today. So if anyone needs a stalker I’m available. I have mad stalking skills plus references.
If you’re robbing my house, just bring a second guy to eat a pizza in front of my dog while you take whatever you want.
If you start a sentence with “I seen”, i’m just going to go ahead and assume the next part will not be “the inside of a book”
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
all toddlers look the same when telling a story
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
If your doctor has to google something right in front of you, you’re probably going to die.
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
I was 15 before I got glasses that let me actually see the puck on televised hockey games. Before that, I thought it was just MMA on ice. Anyway, happy Canada Day, my friends to the north.
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
I hate when you let your hostages outside to play on the trampoline, and then they just sit there and don’t even jump or have fun.
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Her: See ya later alligator!
Me: *slithers into swamp*
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
i told the bus driver he was hot when i got off the bus because life’s short but now he’s my driver on the way back too so turns out life is long
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
“I’m hungry” Fridge: “I got nothin.” Cabinet: “Bitch, don’t look at me.” Freezer: “LOL. You like ice?”
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Ohh, no thanks. I have seen a baby before