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You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
Unlike regular Jiu Jitsu, Brazilian Jiu Jitsu will get you out of a hairy situation.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
hot air balloon pilot: we’re gonna crash
me: oh no
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot:
me:
hot air balloon pilot: aaany minute
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
[Hide and seek]
Police officer: how long has he been missing?
Wife: a few hours
Police officer: describe him
Wife: 5′ 10, brown hair *raises voice* and he hates dogs
Me from the bushes: no he doesn’t
🤣
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’
‘Woody?’
‘Not quite that excited.’
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Your honor, my client could not have done this. The crime was committed way past his bedtime
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
My wife is not buying that Russians hacked my phone and texted that her mother is an overbearing windbag with no sense of boundaries.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Me, to my cat: You are amazing, I adore you, I understand your time on earth is short and one day I will regret not spending as much of it as possible with you, but…. can you please leave me alone for, like, 5 minutes???
Do you have hobbies, or did you decide on marriage instead.
[Sees restaurant is packed]
*Pays hostess $20 to read note*“Attn patrons there is a vintage yard sale across the street”
*Hipsters clear*
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.