These are my emotional support Pringles.
You Might Also Like
Eating a banana.
Thought I should tell you. Twitter seems concerned about women getting enough potassium.But… why can’t I use my teeth?
No good ever comes from pulling on that tiny thread.
Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.
HER: You’ve run over my dog
ME: I’m so sorry
HER: You’re gonna have to replace him
ME: [imagines finally being called a good boy] yes please
absolutely love it when i spend all morning crafting an email so professional and precise it is essentially endorsed by the better business bureau only for dave from accounts payable to reply “ok” in size 45 comic sans
What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common.
The fear of not making it home.
#RubbishJokes
#WednesdayThought
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
[commercial for evaporated milk]
IS YOUR MILK TOO WET?
The Assassin.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
“It’s terminal-”
GOD! HOW LONG DO I HAVE?
“Departure time is in three hours.”
THREE? WHAT DO I DO?
“This is an airport.”
SO WHAT? I’M DYING!
I’m a bit of a traditionalist, so on my birthday, I smear my body with embryonic fluid.
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
Super Mario and Zelda are very accurate in depicting the idiotic things men will do for pussy.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously
Never had a gay thought in my life but when Daniel Craig jumps onto the back of the train & adjusts his cuff I now kind of get it.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Self-cleaning conscience
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship
Me: Omg it’s soooo hot!
Dog: You want me to sit on you?
[First date]
Her: Are you literally WEARING a red flag?
Me: Yes, do you like it? Hey! Come back!
Hey kids, remember the feeling you got when you cleaned your room without being asked and no one noticed? That’s what adulthood’s like.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..