Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
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When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
“I refuse to be part of an apartheid system that reveres whiteness and segregates those of colour”
“Just do the damn laundry”
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Mistakenly punched premium at the gas pump today and now I have to sell one of my kids to the circus.
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
Me: I missed you
Sharon: Awww, that’s sweet
Me: Don’t duck this time (throws another hammer)
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Remember folks, the camera adds ten pounds – unless you’re good at selfie angles like me, in which case it subtracts 30 *wink
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
Ro-Ro-Robocop,
Gently down the stream,
Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily,
Killing bad guys in old Detroit in revenge for his murder.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
I establish dominance on the first date by yawning.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
“The new iPhone 6 is bigger!”
Meh.
“It has more sensors!”
Pfft.
“You can block group texts.”
I WOULD LIKE ONE THOUSAND OF YOUR IPHONE
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.