[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
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Rich people’s advice basically is like: Go be rich and follow your dreams while saving 90% of your salary
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
If I were a gunslinger I’d bedazzle my holster. The other killers wouldn’t take me seriously, maybe think I’m just packing a glue gun. Big mistake.
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
I had a wonderful conversation sitting up front with a taxi driver. A great guy. Even let me try out my poor Mandarin on him. Then he said, “You look great. Really. Wonderful. Are you over 90?”
“I’m 83.”
“Really? You’re only 83?”
“Just drop me here. “
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Garbage disposals are great for redesigning silverware.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
She can’t leave if you’re wearing all of her clothes.
Just overheard someone say, “I wish I had a Kindle that never ran out of batteries.”
You know. Like a book.
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…