I forgot the word for confessional booth so I said catholic shame box
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dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
Can’t believe todays Wordle was UPDOG.
If you’re happy and you know it eat a bug
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
ME: [repeatedly trying, and failing, to film a successful water bottle flip]
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: experts project extinction for this species
*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
Husband, “Aaaaannnd that completes my order.”
Tombstone Engraver, “Are you sure you want it spelled like this….Belovud wyfe, freind, and muther?”
Husband, “She can’t correct me now.”
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
Baking is just science you can eat.
If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
Dracula & other undead people who sleep in coffins must have good abs. They always rise up flat-backed when the casket opens.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
If you eat enough ice cream
your clothes will shrink. Weeeeird.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
Cartman: Respect my
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