Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
You Might Also Like
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
The U.S. Army developed a pizza that stays good for 3 years. Finally, those billions in military spending paid off. Your move, Al Qaeda.
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Me accidentally flirting: Cute, sounds sincere, somehow gives the illusion of confidence.
VS
Me intentionally flirting: “WANT TO HUG? YOUR FACE GOOD. VERY EVEN”
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
5: Grandma told me a secret.
Me: Grandma knows you aren’t supposed to keep secrets from Mommy.
5: Ok, I’ll tell you. She said you make the worst food ever.
Me: I have a few secrets to tell you about Grandma.
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
me: how bad is it
dr: nothing that can’t be fixed with some mild dietary restrictions and moderate exercise
[later]
wife: what did the doctor say
me: linda….i’m dying
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
While I was out walking the dog, I noticed a neighbour waving at me through their living room window. How nice!
So I waved back rather enthusiastically.
She was washing her window.
Principal: Bob, you’re their Sex Ed teacher. These kids depend on you *slams fists on desk* SO WHY ARE YOU TELLING THEM COOTIES ARENT REAL
How do I tell someone respectfully to die in a fire?
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
My friend is dating a guy who won’t stop taking her to the circus 😭
Boss: Can I have a word with you?
Me: umbrella
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
I’m having an out of money experience.
Find everything OK, sir?
Everything except happiness!
You won’t find that at Wal-Mart!
We laughed & laughed until my credit card declined
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.