they told me to make myself at home so i moved their silverware to the more logical drawer
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“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
Back to the Future but it’s just me trying to break my parents up at the school dance
People in horror movies be like “this weapon just saved my life, I’m gonna toss it aside now”
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
White people don’t dance at concerts so they can save all their energy for the “Woo!” at the end of a song.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
It was when he said no nunchucks in the kitchen that I knew our relationship was doomed
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
I’ve never applied makeup while driving, but I have eaten an entire rotisserie chicken.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Nobody runs faster than a parent who suddenly realizes those kids have been playing silently for way too long.