Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
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[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
I only eat free range chicken because I only eat food that was given the illusion of freedom before it was murdered
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
“I’m having a public meltdown!!” – A Snowman, maybe.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
My friend posted on Facebook that he’s hosting an improv show and every single person reacted with the “care” emoji.
Me: ok that’s everything in the dishwasher
*presses start and turns around*
Teaspoon: you’re not gonna believe this
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
ON VOUS MENT !!! #NousSachons
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
Lent is a holiday invented by the banks to sell more loans
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon
I played the word “mature” in a game of Scrabble. My friend played “immature” and got the Triple Word Score so I flipped the board over.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
this is funnier than any friends episode
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
When the cleaning lady say’s “Have a good night”, I try to time it so we say it in unison. Then I say our “You too” response in harmony.
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
Was going to do some writing on the porch but there’s a woman across the street lambasting her bf for cheating.
So now I’m just going to sit on the porch.
Why are personal grooming products such popular holiday gifts? How gross is everyone the rest of the time?
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
[Alien family passing Earth]
*door lock noise*
Laughed so hard tears ran down my leg.
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”