I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.
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[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
Me:*delete pics*
IPhone: you sure?
M:Yes
IP: Ok I’ll just put them over here
Me:delete them
IP: Ok *whispers* keeping them on the cloud tho
In the 1930s, there was an outbreak of exploding trousers in New Zealand. Farmers had used a herbicide that became explosive when it dried.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Our new washing machine sends a text when wet laundry is ready for the dryer. I guess what I’m saying is this appliance is a snitch.
every chef right now: Today I’m going to show you how to make something simple with ingredients everyone has in their pantry, since you can’t go to the store. I’m starting with Madagascar vanilla, hemp milk, and a single feather from a dodo bird.
I was bored.
Me: A gentleman never kisses and tells
Wife: Who. Was. She
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
If you want to flirt with babes, just use cereal slogans like “You look magically delicious” or “I wanna put 2 scoops of raisins in dat ass”
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
In WWII soldiers left burlesque magazines around so if an enemy found it he’d yell “HOt DOG” then howl like a wolf & give away his position
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
Sure, make fun of my cargo shorts but sooner or later you’re going to need a martini shaker or a map of 11th century France.
[at stadium with child]
Me: That is batball.
[at the races]
Me: That is horse circles.
[at the opera]
Me: This is horned yodeling.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]