It seems to me that if you can afford a barrel and a pair or suspenders you can afford a pair of pants.
How do you respond to accusations that you over sexualize everything?
Me: *slowly takes entire microphone into mouth*
I need to get in shape. If I was murdered right now my chalk outline would be a circle.
I constantly google “how to put your kids up for adoption” so my kids can find it on my search history and know that I’m not messing around.
Me: Play dead
My Dog: *drives to my office and starts doing my job*
I got fired on my first day as a paramedic for trying to revive everyone with true love’s first kiss.
Why does everyone have to point out they adopted their dog? Are they worried that we are suspicious because it doesn’t look like them?
My wife is all, “we love each other so much we finish each other’s sentences,” until it comes to a prison sentence.
Me: Could a drunk person do this!? *assembles Ikea bookcase*
Her: that’s supposed to be a couch.
“Why does everyone hate me?” I texted with the clicky keyboard sound turned on.