If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
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Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
instead of meal prepping on sundays, have u considered taking an impromptu and cost ineffective trip to the grocery store every single day of the week?
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
hm, feeling a little stiff today. must be from all that (into megaphone) HIKING
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
Yes, of course I love French films.
Have you seen Rugrats in Paris?
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Washing machine doesn’t give a shit
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
[audition for a vampire tv show]
ME: as u can see in my headshots, i’m a vampire
CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos
ME: exactly
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
They think they may have found Amelia Earhart’s plane. Gosh, I hope she’s alright.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
I think, 25 years later, it’s pretty goddamn safe to say that nobody made an entrance like Chris Farley.
my friend told me on first dates i should just “be myself” and “be confident” and i was like “ok but which one?”
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.