Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
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If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
Pretty much. 🤣
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Wife: Our 5yo sure is acting like a grown-up lately
Me: Really?
5yo: *walks in* I can’t remember what I came in here for
Me: omg
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Boss: Did you bring the reports?
Me: Hold on.
*reaches into pockets and pulls out two middle fingers*
Boss: I resign. You’re the boss now.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
[in the middle of a mountain lion attack] do not make me get the spray bottle
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes