@hazelmotes1

I can’t wait to find out what new undeleteable apps that I don’t want will be on the new iPhone.

@hazelmotes1

Me: my best friend is my wife

Everyone: awwww

My Best Friend Carl: FOR THE LAST TIME, I AM NOT YOUR WIFE

@hazelmotes1

This venomous snake is pretty scary. What can we do to make it even scarier?

Put a toy for babies on its tail.

YES

@hazelmotes1

My coworker left my office an hour ago, but the smell of his cologne remains, like some kind of douchbag ghost.

@hazelmotes1

Superman: I’m my own worst enemy.

Lex Luthor: oh. That’s nice. I’m literally standing right here.

@hazelmotes1

On the Titanic 0 people died from alcohol poisoning and 1,500 people died from drinking too much water. You decide which is more dangerous.

@hazelmotes1

*gets fired the first day on the job as an EMT for trying to cook a frozen burrito with the defibrillator*

@hazelmotes1

I read an article about a stolen dog being reunited with its owner and it made me feel good to think maybe someone will steal my dog one day

@hazelmotes1

Me: This painting really speaks to me.

Mona Lisa: You do way too many drugs.

@hazelmotes1

*Watches sad movie*

Wife: I like happy endings.

Me: me too, but you have to tip more.

Wife:…

Me: twitter would have liked it.