I can’t wait to find out what new undeleteable apps that I don’t want will be on the new iPhone.
Me: my best friend is my wife
My Best Friend Carl: FOR THE LAST TIME, I AM NOT YOUR WIFE
This venomous snake is pretty scary. What can we do to make it even scarier?
Put a toy for babies on its tail.
My coworker left my office an hour ago, but the smell of his cologne remains, like some kind of douchbag ghost.
Superman: I’m my own worst enemy.
Lex Luthor: oh. That’s nice. I’m literally standing right here.
On the Titanic 0 people died from alcohol poisoning and 1,500 people died from drinking too much water. You decide which is more dangerous.
*gets fired the first day on the job as an EMT for trying to cook a frozen burrito with the defibrillator*
I read an article about a stolen dog being reunited with its owner and it made me feel good to think maybe someone will steal my dog one day
Me: This painting really speaks to me.
Mona Lisa: You do way too many drugs.
*Watches sad movie*
Wife: I like happy endings.
Me: me too, but you have to tip more.
Me: twitter would have liked it.