if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
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ME: my wife said the four words no man wants to hear
THERAPIST: she wants a divorce?
ME: no, we’re going to Applebee’s
Otters see a butterfly.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
I pirated a movie yesterday…
I gave it 3.14 stars.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
CASHIER: its declined
ME: run it again
C: sir, is this one of those fake credit cards they mail out
ME: no
C: your name is “local resident”?
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Who called them Drinking Buddies and not Palcoholics
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
The U.S. Military is the most fearsome fighting force the world’s ever known. That we’re amassing thousands at the border to “repel” desperate women and children 100s of miles away is an insult – to those in uniform, to the intelligence of the American people, and to our values.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
For the love of God, if you leave me a voicemail, don’t just say “Call me back.” Tell me what it’s in regards to so I can prepare my defense
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
I’m feeling a little too good about myself today, I guess I’ll call my mother.
Started to watch Indiana Jones and the Dial of Destiny and I saw the warning that it contains tobacco depictions so I threw my TV in the street. Not in this household.
[police lineup]
COP: number three step forward and say the phrase on your card
ME: who says you can’t pull your chair right up to the buffet?
WITNESS: omg yes that’s him, officer
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.