fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
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Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
So my doctor said my alcohol use was depleting magnesium from my body and I should change my lifestyle, so I bought a magnesium supplement.
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Turns out hanging out in sewers eating pizza and practicing karate will not make me an honorary ninja turtle..
Now I just smell like shit
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
SON: Can I have a cookie?
ME: Ask nicer.
SON: May I please have a cookie?
ME: Like a Canadian.
SON: So sorry, could I please trouble you for one of your delicious cookies, good sir, eh? It’s okay if you say no. There’s probably a more deserving child.
ME: *hands over cookie*
Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
You can’t take away snow days and make them remote learning days. Snow days aren’t about learning. If god wanted the children to learn, he wouldn’t have made it snow.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
DATE: Wtf are you doing?
ME: *hula hooping* It’s called foreplay, Denise.
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
Not sure who graded these eggs as Extra-Large, but I’m guessing it was a guy.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current”
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
If people are going to judge me they should at least hold up scorecards so I know how I’m doing.
My alphabet soup is full of typos. Go home Campbells; you’re drunk