I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
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*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
The older I get, the more my feet hurt. I guess it’s true… time wounds all heels.
aladdin: i can show you the world
jasmine: no
aladdin: i can show you a cool bug
jasmine: ok
A search party sounds like a fun way to look for someone.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
I would rather see a scorpion in my house than one of those antique dolls with the glass eyes.
What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
Not yet
OK! EAT ME NOW
Oh! Too lateBananas
My husband made me a drink & told me to sit down while he makes dinner & all I can say is, whatever he did wrong, I’m totally fine with it.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
me: wanna hear a joke about a guy who questions everything
her: sure
me: why
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
I’ll straight up listen to yacht rock on a house boat and house music on a yacht I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
I don’t know what’s more embarrassing, accidentally sending nudes to your boss or getting a pay decrease as a result of your nudes.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
jesus, what did this guy do
FRIEND: To get out of a ticket, just make the cop laugh.
[later]
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: Uh oh here comes the tickle monster