Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
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35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
You gotta know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away and know when to run – ORIGAMI not for everyone !
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
I want a pet donkey that will kick people I don’t like on the command, “huh, interesting”.
[Justice League HQ]
SUPERMAN: Looks like Batman is hungry tonight
MOTHMAN: [visibly sweating] I think I’ll just fight daytime crimes
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
The ankle monitor stays on during sex, but only because it has to.
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
I may be paranoid, but it feels like the world is out to get me.
*trips over globe and breaks both legs*
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
Me: So what’s this lowlife in for?
Zoo guide: Again, this isn’t animal prison
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Remember the 90’s when a fax machine would keep calling your number that sounded like a pissed off pterodactyl …. Good Times ….
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
In the wake of inflation, and the conflict in Eastern Europe, the Germans are predicting a shortage of sausage and cheese. They’re formulating a plan for it, which they’re calling the würst/käse scenario
me: tries to get every last possible drop out of a shampoo bottle so as not to waste any
also me: rinses away half a bar of soap to get a single hair off of it
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!