Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
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Me: [from table] gar膰on! *claps hands* another round for my date and me.
McDonald’s cashier: sir, you have to come to the counter to order
I don鈥檛 know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid鈥檚 toys
I hope this year they have the courage to legalize diarrhea.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude 鉀勶笍
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren鈥檛 you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn鈥檛 know how old I am.
When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.
Maced a hobo who started pulling cables out of my computer at work.
Turned out to be the hipster IT guy and now I’m in HR again.
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
what are they serving at kfc then???
Sorry, I didn鈥檛 mean to lol your poetry
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
{playing Hide & Go Seek}
Me:*hides in pantry
Kids: ready or not here we come!
Me: *quietly opens bag of Cheetos
Kids: He’s eating again!
Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
馃ぃ馃ぃ馃ぃ
The best baby age is when they say “baby” when they see another baby as though they themselves are not in fact also a baby.
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
ah yes writing, that thing i do where i open a word document and then get up and start cleaning my entire house
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Apparently they don鈥檛 want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
[wipes brow]
“Finally finished YouTube.”
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking