@heatherlou_

Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.

@heatherlou_

If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.

@heatherlou_

Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.

@heatherlou_

My kid told her teacher that we were late because her Mom had to poop and I see why some animals eat their young.

@heatherlou_

Nothing will convince you to never have kids quite like having one.

@heatherlou_

I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.

@heatherlou_

I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.

@heatherlou_

Yes, I wear this shirt a lot. It’s my shirt that I purchased and I own a washing machine. Amazing.

@heatherlou_

All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.