Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*
Wife: what are you doing?!
Me: what? They’re biodegradable
Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*
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I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
the “i feel like things can’t get any worse” to “oh i see” pipeline
Spa day..😅
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Why is Twitter so quiet on Sundays?
No way you’re all at church.
If everybody would just wait until the Monday after the Super Bowl, the tickets will be half price
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
I shaved my legs and now my socks keep falling down.
Life is hard.
Spent all day doing one of my favorite things ever – not dying. Score.
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn’t a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
*christopre walken givig tour of apt* this is my.. walken closet. and these boots. these boots were made.. *long unecesary pause* for walken
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted
Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
I hit a parked car today so naturally I left a note. It said “Die, Decepticons! Die!”
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
It is all a lie. Folding laundry does NOT get you laid. I do mine all the time and yet there is not a knock at my door…