Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
I wish I had the confidence of someone publicly donning a cloak
Gnats are the most enthusiastic bugs, always out here performing a flash mob right in front of your face
Doug is just Canadian for dog
Womens clothing designers: would you like it skin tight?
Me: uh no
WCD: how about moomoo?
Me: can I have something in between?
WCD: no can do
Yeah I lift. How many reps will it take to get to the bottom of this bag of chips? Let’s find out
Me: Do you need a sample?
Nurse: Ma’am we just need to swab your throat
Me: But I gotta pee and I don’t want it to go to waste
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog
Dentist: when was the last time you flossed?
Me: look, I only need you so they can identify my body should shit go down
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
No matter the event, in the Midwest they bring you a casserole. Divorced- casserole. Grandpa died- casserole. You married your first cousin- casserole
There’s no occasion where cheese and canned cream of soup can’t bring everyone together
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life