Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
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*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
My current body type is you can sorta tell I work out, but you can also tell that I don’t turn down cake.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
dad: I can’t find my glasses, can you read what this says for me?
me: “Dad do you want to go to Home Depot”
dad: [voice catching] Sure son
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
Put a pill in wife’s mouth while asleep
“WTF you doing?”
“for your headache.”
“I don’t have one!”
Just what I wanted to hear!
*unzip flys
I need a headline like this
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
hey Disney-Pixar here’s an idea maybe make a movie where the daughter ACTUALLY LISTENS TO HER FATHER
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
70% of the Earth’s surface is water. The other 30% is covered in advertisements for The Blacklist.
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
Got the trays mixed up after dinner at a Chinese place. Ate the check & paid a fortune.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
A 22 year old girl said to me “there’s NO WAY you are 41”
I put her in my pocket and took her home.
She’s mine now.