First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
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there’s a fly on the ceiling that she can’t reach, so she is intimidating it…with a dissonant chord
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
Alien dad telling everyone to remember they parked the UFO in Springfield then a montage of them discovering how many Springfields there are.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
[cooking class]
“Did you put your tray in the oven, sir?”[mouth filled with raw cookie dough]
I can explain
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
My friend said she loves to be scared so I dropped her expensive makeup compact onto the floor
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
ME: *shows girl my bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
HER: There’s not even a bed in here.
ME: Are you sure? *pulls a bed out from behind her ear*
HER: Holy shit!
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
Imagine a spider. Scary, right? Wrong. This spider is imaginary. Really makes you think
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.