Every millennial is obsessed with We Bought a Zoo because the idea of being able to buy any property at all is insane to us.
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Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings
My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
You know how when you’re in a restaurant and a kid in the booth behind you peeks over and it’s kind of cute? Apparently it’s creepy when I do it.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
I never attended any of my class reunions because it would just consist of guys pretending to know the lyrics to Snow’s “Informer”.
emcee: welcome, contestants, to the world bodybuilding championships!
victor frankenstein: *looking around* i think i’ve made a horrible mistake.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
ONLINE BOYFRIEND: “Why do you have so many socks?”
ME: [hiding my octopus tentacles while on webcam] “Haha, no reason. They are just fun to have.”
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
There’s a jar of candy on my kitchen counter and I only ate 32 pieces.
Shower me with praise for my ironclad willpower.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
* Grows beard to woo women *
* Receives recruitment email from ISIS *
me: I quit, here’s my badge and gun
head lifeguard: your what
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
there was a sandwich. on the edge of the counter. and now there isn’t. those are all the details. we can confirm so far. the piece of lettuce on my nose. is purely circumstantial
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
Serious Question: Can I get a moustache by kissing another guy with a moustache?
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
I’m having trouble perfecting my dating profile
My husband isn’t helping with the wording as much as I’d hoped