Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
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So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
How do dragons blow out candles?
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
Millions of years ago dinosaurs ruled the earth but like all great empires they were eventually brought down by corruption and voter fatigue
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
Last night, a cop pulled me over. “Out of the car!” he said. Then an Indian, fireman and construction worker appeared. We danced until dawn.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
My 7-year-old texted me to ask when my birthday is, which would be cute except I think she’s trying to steal my identity.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
If I put on a latex glove and snap it, that’s just me flirting
Today while in the bookshop I said to the lady behind the counter, “I’m looking for a book by Shakespeare”
She asked “Which one?”
Me: “William”
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
I had a professor who threw a big hissy fit about how he needs “detailed proof” of why you’re going to be absent only for him to get mad when I sent him pictures of some pads and Midol I bought and the receipt? Play stupid games win stupid prizes dude
How come I have to do all this work and you do nothing all day?
– my 8yo while doing one chore
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
.
.
.
.
.
He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
boss: you’re fired for putting a curse on susan
me: ok
susan: [trapped in an oil painting for eternity] can you lift the curse?
me: sorry i don’t work here
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?