Home is where your toilet is.
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My 6-year-old, describing the ant he saw today
Grandpa: Music today is terrible
Me: Here, try this *hands him iPod*
Grandpa: Fine *slides iPod into tape deck*
Loads 5 frozen pizzas into the freezer.
Meal prep ✔️
support small businesses like a mouse selling tiny umbrellas or even a bee selling tiny umbrellas
wife: Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
me [whispers] Why are there chicken nuggets all over the front yard?
toddler [whispers] I planted chicken nugget trees
me: He planted chicken nugget trees
If there’s a line between right and wrong, I likely snorted it.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
A wise man once told me, “Are you even listening?”
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
What’s the difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body?
I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
I just dropped my phone in the toilet and for a second I stood over it and thought, “That’s where it belongs.”
*Last week on “Models Who Weren’t Expecting To Be Eaten By Bears”*
JADE: When I was eaten by a bear, I was like what is happening lol
I once dated a dentist. He had a tiny round mirror on the ceiling over his bed.
Me: I have the body of a pro wrestler.
Her: OMG I love The Rock.
Me: Oh, totes, but what are your feelings on sumo?
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
WOMAN NAMED CATHY: my name is cathy
ME: ah yes short for catheter i presume
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
People overlook Dracula’s positive attributes. In his bat form, he eats mosquitoes and other unwanted backyard insects.
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
🦝🔥🦝🔥
“You’ll sleep when I’m dead” — my phone
HR: for the last time, stop using air quotes when referring to your boss
Me: “ok”
Her: It must be difficult raising a child on your own.
Me: *lifting kid up* Nah its easy, dummy.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.