I’m in such a great mood today
Anxiety: I’ll be with you in a minute
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I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
i bought a michael meyers decal for my car window and my son said if you put that on your car i’m never driving your car. aww, look at how cute he is thinking he was ever going to drive my car
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Moses: Thanks for the mana in the desert.
God: No problem.
Moses: But since you can make anything-
God: FOR THE LAST TIME, NO PIZZA.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
Partner: It’s either me or the abroad scholarship. Choose
Me: I pick u…
Partner: I knew you lov…
Me: …nited airlines
No One:
No One’s Date: Are you always this quiet?
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
who did the taste test?
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.
Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?
*Tortoise says something racist.
friend: you’re saying a huge alien lifted you onto his ship, examined you, and sent you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
*Takes out phone & plays Cindi Lauper’s True Colors as you reach for the last slice of pizza without asking*
If uneven eyeliner ever becomes a trend, I am golden.
I admire the guy who named duct tape. He was a marketing genius. He knew naming it abduct tape would be more accurate, but a harder sell.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.