I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
I’m not interested in your cat unless it’s on its 8th life and about to do something incredibly stupid.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: I thought pants would be different
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
Her: how are you
Her: you sure?
Her: you’re alright?
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
I haven’t been drinking.
I know what day it is.
I didn’t lose my pants.
This might be my car.
I know how to drive.
-Lies I’ve told to cops.
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..