It’s my last day in my current job and all my coworkers have come dressed as me
Next weeks therapy session is going to be a doozy
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Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
While sitting on the beach, 16 told me he is going to go under the pier with his girlfriend and catch crabs.
They grow up so fast.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
My issue with Jeopardy is that you never get the sense that the contestants are in any real danger
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
If a drunk falls in the woods and no one is there to hear him, why did I go camping?
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
“What’s your band name?”
“The Who”
“The band?”
“Not The Band, The Who”
“Please don’t make me guess who”
“Not The Guess Who. The Band is a band but we’re the band The Who”
“May I have some of your drugs?”
A nice man at the store was so thrilled to hear our 3yo yelling “BUY ME A BOOK!!”, we didn’t have the heart to tell him that instead of reading, our kid only wants to rip out the pages and eat them like some sort of high-fiber illustrated buffet.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.
[Garden Of Eden]
Adam: Is this your first time?
Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
My 5yo just came out of bed saying she yawned so hard her blankets came off, and honestly that’s like, groundbreaking work in the bedtime excuses field.
DOCTOR: you have leprosy
ME: *lmao*
Dear life:
If you’re gonna stick me with pimples at my age please give back my old body, my old mind, and most importantly my old Mustang.
[trying to remove items separately from the washing machine]
laundry: you will not divide us we are one entity now FEAR US
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “destroying evidence.”