Movies Lesson #5: very few people die while trying to get from one hotel room to another using the ledge outside, so give it a shot.
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When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
OMG the land line just rang
OMG we still have a land line
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
It’s not summer until you put on your bikini and realize it probably wasn’t a good idea to eat 9,000 lbs of skittles, starbursts, and sour patch kids all year.
If there isn’t an open bar at my funeral then count me out, I’m not going!
[at my funeral]
boss : you’re LATE
My neighbor told me he heard me having sex this morning.
I was putting on my shoes.
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
The nice thing about Hide-and-Seek is your children voluntarily go in a closet and be quiet for 3 hours.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
[security patting down mouse]
“Any cheese on your person, sir?”
[waves another mouse over them like a metal detector wand]
“He’s clean.”
Fitness Magazine:
Page 10: How to lose weight and keep it off.
Page 11: How to love yourself the way God made you.
Page 12: Dessert recipes.
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
Mailman: whatcha doing
Me: I’m going fishing for my neighbor Larry
Mailman: you mean WITH your neighbor
Me [casting a sausage link into Larry’s mail slot]: he likes chorizo the most
People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’
My husband doesn’t think our family will eat a 5 pound bag of cheese and I’ve never been so determined to prove him wrong.
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills
I think I may have accidentally sprayed my fairy godmother with Raid…