ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
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Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
Anything can serve briefly as a boat. The key word is *briefly*
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
Date: wanna get out of here?
Me: let me just tie my shoe *realizes i don’t know how to tie my shoes* how bout another round of spaghetti
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
“I think we should-”
Kiss under the moonlight? omg we finish each other’s sentences!
Hairdresser: was gonna say trim the sides a bit shorter
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
[airport security]
wife: *fidgeting with wedding ring*
me: *emptying my cargo shorts pockets*
tsa agent:
tsa agent: why so many gameboys
BOSS: I want that report on my desk by friday
[1 a.m. thursday night]
ME (typing frantically): the surface is smooth, polished mahogany. top left drawer sticks a bit. corner is a little chipped
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Me (as bridesmaid):
*up at alter holding bouquet*
WAIT! STOP THE WEDDING!Priest: *stops talking*
Me: *runs down aisle and out of the church to catch ice cream truck*
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
Under Bush we had 3 Shrek movies.
Under Obama we had 1.
Can we really trust a president whose #1 goal was to bring down the Shrek franchise?
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
Nightmares are so embarrassing bro, like u literally made up a guy and got scared of him.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.