When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
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Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
I’m tired of “working hard” and “trying my best.” I want to be a raccoon who just found a whole container of chow mein in a trash can
ME: hi handsome, is this seat taken?
BUS DRIVER: yes, but you could literally sit anywhere else
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
My mom would complain about no cabinet space but also kept an entire set of “Nice” dishes in case the President stopped by or something.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Parenting goals before having kids: make tons of blanket forts, never lose your temper, appreciate every minute.
After: sit down.
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
“It’s only eight o’clock” he says like that’s not late as shit.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
[first date]
date: i’m an optimist
me: wow i’ve never met a transformer before
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me