Don’t look at me like you’ve never eaten a turkey leg in the shower
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Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
My dog barks for 2 reasons:
1. When somewhere in the world another dog is barking.
2. When somewhere in the world no other dog is barking.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Therapist: Ok one more time. We’re gonna keep our friends close and where do we keep our enemies?
Me: …in the basement?
I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Ignoring your text is easy. It’s having to park my car 8 blocks away so you think I’m not home when you drive by that’s awkward.
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
I bought a white bathrobe and splattered it with red paint just to freak out my neighbors when I go get the mail.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Quite frankly amazed I’ve never been kidnapped. I just asked the produce manager if they had more cantaloupe and he said follow me and I said okie dokie and ended up in some back room lmao
The lack of proof that Robert Downey Jr is stalking me just convinces me that he is very good at it.
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
Newlywed: We can overcome anything, cause we’re in love!
10 yrs later: If he leaves time on the microwave again I’m gonna set him on fire.
Who called it an organic buffet instead of a natural selection?
when I have dinner with a vegetarian I order two steaks to use as a bun for my third steak
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
My healthy friend invites me to dinner
Me: But you said pasta.
Her: The zucchini IS the pasta. Isn’t that cool?
Me: Yep. More wine please.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
I can remember a time when we didn’t allow crazy people to be in charge of running things.
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.