judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
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I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
I hope a fish kills me and takes a pic holding me so it can meet a cute girl fish on tinder
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
This year I have a few special people on my list that will get expired gift cards wrapped up with tons of glitter.
Don’t confuse a Morning Person with a Middle Aged Bladder Person.
I once tried playing tennis with a cymbal but it made a terrible racket
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.
Whoever has my voodoo doll, would you please stop making me do the running man dance, i’m at work and it’s causing a scene
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
How am I supposed to give a review for dog treats? I mean, my dog loves them. They’re just ok to me. A little chewy
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
WELL WELL WELL if it isn’t the matching sock to the sock I threw out yesterday.
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
the battle rages on
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
Travelers diarrhea is my favorite illness. You cheat at basketball you get what’s coming to you.