The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
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What if I never *dramatic pause* sleep *dramatic pause* a- *falls asleep during third dramatic pause*
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
WIFE: Hey why are all our potatoes dressed in tiny outfits and arranged in a little scene?
ME: [hiding Photato Album] Why? Do you like it?
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: So he had grey hair, medium build, grey eyes, no glasses, a grey suit and grey shoes?
DOG: Correct
#Thanos #MondayMood
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
I’m gonna go my whole life without knowing my blood type I swear to god. like I’m gonna end up in an ambulance one day and the paramedic’s gonna ask me what my blood type is and my dumbass is gonna be like “idk lol red”
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.
therapist: whats the problem?
me: i keep having a reoccurring dream where there are five of me and we’re all yellow.
therapist: sounds like you’re bananas
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
Every day I ask myself deep existential questions like, “If I were me, where would I park the car?”
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Humans use the term “invasive species” like somebody invited them to all 7 continents.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa dept]
*carves turkey
*puts candle inside and places it on doorstep
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive