I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
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School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
When dealing with the police it’s important to always remain calm and be white.
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.
Life is good! Just waiting for my ship to come in!
*Gets on Twitter*
*Looks up as ship is sailing off*
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to âput their foot downâ. What kind of threat is that unless youâre Godzilla?
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so Iâm going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
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the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
Me: I got really cranky with Alexa this morning because she wouldnât respond to any of my queries.
Wife: What? Why?
Me: I was calling her Siri.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Iâm naming our next kid.
What a kind woman! đđ
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Iâm so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask âWhat is this event exactlyâ and âWho caresâ and âWhy do I know this is a thingâ
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
My âgravy is lowâ light just came on.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Halloween is the best because itâs the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
I hate when I miss the garbage truck and just have to throw trash in the neighbors hot tub again
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.