Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
You Might Also Like
Twitter is a lot like kindergarten; there’s yelling, giggling, struggling with basic reading comprehension…and everyone is super excited to show you their toys.
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
me: and make it a double. it’s been a long night
bartender: *duct taping two Capri-Suns together*
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
You don’t have to tell me twice because I don’t listen either time.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
Opening a smartphone is the new walking into the kitchen.
“Why am I in here again?”
Had that dream again where I’m a pterodactyl but can’t fly too good and all the other pterodactyls call me a “terribledactyl” and dinosaur laugh at me.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Me: …at aol dot com
Cashier: at a…?
M: at aol dot com
Cashier: at ao…?
Me: at aol dot com
Cashier: Ma’am, are you crying?
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
My 11yo told me it was my job to entertain her, and when I protested that my only jobs were feeding, clothing and loving her she said “You didn’t read the manual did you?” And I’m like “holy crap THERE WAS A MANUAL?????”
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Date a photographer. Then when it doesn’t work out you have new pics for your dating apps.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.