This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
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The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
LIFE HACK: If a public restroom is locked, violently yank the door handle over and over like a gorilla and never accept that it’s occupied
Painting safety tip :
When house painting from a ladder,
never step back to admire your work.
GUY: *cuts me off in traffic
ME: *eating cereal* YOU SIR, SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED DRIVE A CAR!!
*angrily waves spoon
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
my mom making me talk to relatives
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
The Notebook (2004) A stranger harasses a nursing home resident with stories about people she doesn’t know (PG-13 2hr 3min)
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
That’s it.I’m out.
“Please don’t do this.” – my voice mail greeting
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
Man arrested at airport after officials discover 35 live birds attached to his clothing as he attempted to smuggle them into the country for singing competitions
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
[at a job fair]
Me: Where’s the ferris wheel?
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
[1st Day after wildebeests take over]
I’m safe in my house
[Day 7]
Thought I heard clattering
[Day 21]
THEY CAN OPEN DOORS WITH THEIR HOOVES
Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, unless of course, they’re feeding you kale.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”