Middle names are so weird. It’s like your parents said “these are your names but here’s the runner up”
To determine how deep a well is, follow these steps:
1) drop a stone
2) count seconds until you hear it splosh
3) remember that math isn’t your strong point
4) make up a number and say it with authority
5) admit nothing
For some reason, sloths climb down out of the trees to defecate, about once a week.
Imagine how frustrating it must be when they forget to bring their phones.
Me: I’ll have a sad meal please
McDonald’s worker: do you mean a happy meal?
Me: I’m not happy
Worker: I think the meal is named after what it makes you feel
Me: I’ll have a greasy heartburn and guilt meal please
No, Karen, sexy coronavirus is NOT a good halloween costume
Mufasa: everything the light touches is our..
Simba: dad, can light actually touch something? Don’t you have to be solid to touch things? What is touching anyway? Dad what’s the different between looking and touching? Dad why does…
Me: am I really me? Or am I some kind of soul inside a body
Body: don’t ask me I’m just a body
Brain: I’m in charge here, so you must be me
Me: but if I’m you, how am I thinking about us as different?
my three kids wanted to do one of those taste challenges for a youtube video yesterday. The foods we chose were:
– smoked oysters
– weird crunchy cheese
– kitkat ice cream
apparently the whole thing was a trick to get ice cream
So far I have determined that two of my kids, the kettle, the cat, the plants and the phone are NOT cake.
Unrelated: my wife is leaving me
Me: *holding a frying pan*
Brain: hit someone with it
Brain: DO IT! It’ll go BONG!