Middle names are so weird. It’s like your parents said “these are your names but here’s the runner up”


To determine how deep a well is, follow these steps:

1) drop a stone

2) count seconds until you hear it splosh

3) remember that math isn’t your strong point

4) make up a number and say it with authority

5) admit nothing


For some reason, sloths climb down out of the trees to defecate, about once a week.

Imagine how frustrating it must be when they forget to bring their phones.


Me: I’ll have a sad meal please

McDonald’s worker: do you mean a happy meal?

Me: I’m not happy

Worker: I think the meal is named after what it makes you feel

Me: I’ll have a greasy heartburn and guilt meal please


Mufasa: everything the light touches is our..

Simba: dad, can light actually touch something? Don’t you have to be solid to touch things? What is touching anyway? Dad what’s the different between looking and touching? Dad why does…


Me: am I really me? Or am I some kind of soul inside a body

Body: don’t ask me I’m just a body

Brain: I’m in charge here, so you must be me

Me: but if I’m you, how am I thinking about us as different?

Head: *explodes*


my three kids wanted to do one of those taste challenges for a youtube video yesterday. The foods we chose were:

– smoked oysters
– weird crunchy cheese
– radishes
– canneloni
– kitkat ice cream

apparently the whole thing was a trick to get ice cream


So far I have determined that two of my kids, the kettle, the cat, the plants and the phone are NOT cake.

Unrelated: my wife is leaving me


Me: *holding a frying pan*

Brain: hit someone with it


Brain: DO IT! It’ll go BONG!