Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
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A short story of betrayal:
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
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Just take a day off
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
noah: two of every single species on earth
god: yes
noah: and a boat to fit them all
god: yes
noah: and people will ridicule me the whole time
god: yes
noah: and all my friends are going to die
god: yes
noah: but like the world will be good after that right
god: i mean
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
THE INVENTOR OF THE INTERNET: what if I told you that you could communicate with idiots from all over the world
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
My wife just apologised to me for the first time in years!!!
Her: I’m sorry but you’re wrong.
The best part of Halloween is all the Jehovah’s Witnesses wondering why they’re being given candy.
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
*In church
9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…
Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep
9: oh
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
I think it might be my birthday but I deleted my facebook account so I really have no way of knowing.
Wife *returns home* anyone called?
Me: yeah, 5 called the baby an idiot.
wolf: little pig, let me in
pig: not by the hair on my chinny chin chin
wolf: ok you took this to kind of a weird place
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim
My friend is really mad that the same team keeps winning her local pub quiz so she’s recruiting literally everyone can think of to join hers because they don’t have team size limits, and I can’t wait for her to become the reason they implement team size limits.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
to celebrate the 30th anniversary of Jurassic Park we will be switching off 30 of the world’s most important electric fences.
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.